Recently I was looking through some old photo albums. Yes, we used to have albums where we would keep all the pictures we took and developed. Ok, now I’m dating myself! It’s fun to look back and see the stages of your life. When I look at old pictures of myself, memories come flooding back of where I was, how old I was, and what I was like. I can’t help but think of all the stages from then until now and how I’ve changed and grown into myself. There were times when I struggled with so many insecurities and simply learning to just be me.
When I think back to that little Eva, I wish I could tell her so many things along the way to help her. When she didn’t like herself, I would give her a hug and tell her she matters, she’s beautiful, cherished and so loved! When she changed who she was for others, I would tell her to always be her own beautiful, genuine self, and not to let anyone change who she is. When she struggled to be herself and felt like she wasn’t good enough, or people wouldn’t like her, I would tell her, she is enough, and beautiful just the way she is! When she felt like she was shut down by the constant outside voices, and people who didn’t want to hear what she had to say, I would let her know that her voice matters, she matters, and God was going to use that voice and her to do great things!
We live life forward but understand it looking back. As we look back we could see how we’ve grown, what we’ve learned, and how we have changed along the way. We also see how God has used everything we’ve been through to grow us into who we are today. I don’t know about you, but I have really struggled to be who I really am or even to know who that is. It wasn’t until I was older that I began to understand myself, my personality, my calling, and who God made me to be. It was only through my relationship with God that I really began to see who I was and His plan for my life. But, just because I knew some of the plan, doesn’t mean you know how to fully live it out. God gives us glimpses or desires he places in us, but he also allows us to walk it out. Just because I knew what God wanted to do with my life, doesn’t mean it was going to happen in a smooth, easy or straight forward way. In fact, that struggle got even harder, but it also helped me to become me. In order for me to share how I grew into me, I need to share how God moulded, shaped me, and taught me to listen to his voice and his plan.
Many years ago when I was on vacation with my family, God kept me up the whole night and showed me an event from beginning to end including all the faces of those who would be involved. I wrote it all out but wasn’t sure what to do next. When we got home from vacation I just had this burning in me that I needed to do something with the plan. I knew it was God because it was so specific with the faces and details so clearly laid out. I decided to really step out and do something about it. I took it to my church and gave it to the secretary. She knew me because my boys and I volunteered at the church every week. I explained to her exactly what God showed me and handed her the paper with all the details. I wasn’t sure if it would go anywhere but I had to at least try.
Later that week, I went to a women’s event in someones home. I sat with a few women and as we began talking, I shared what God had showed me. You see, when God shows me something, I get really excited and passionate about it. I probably share too much because my passion overflows! The women were also excited about it and loved the idea. A few days later I received a call from the church. They told me the event was approved! I was floored to be honest! I had never done anything like this before, both the event and the asking. But when God leads you, just do it!
But, now what? Well I began planning the entire event with the exact women whose faces I saw in the vision. They all said yes and everything was coming together. I even knew what the name of the event would be. I just didn’t know who the speaker would be. So I searched everywhere and asked so many women who I thought would be a good fit for the event. However, no one seemed to be available and I all got was “No’s”! I didn’t understand why God would give me all this and yet not give me the speaker. After some time as it got closer to the date, I began to panic a bit. God, who is it? Where is she? Why haven’t you brought her to me yet?
Shortly after praying my heart out, asking so many women speakers, and panicking a bit, God showed me who she was. Guess what? Yes, it was me! Me? Me? How? I had never spoken at an event like this. I had only spoken at a few women’s luncheons and a meeting or two. I was not a speaker! How could you choose me God, when I have never been on a stage like that? I was shocked and nervous! But, I knew God chose me! I didn’t feel ready, equipped, or good enough, but I know He told me to go. Therefore, I was going to run to obey what God said!
The name of the event was to be “THRIVE”! It would be cardboard testimony based with lots of worship. I even knew the songs that were to be played. God wanted me to share my testimony of all He had done. So, I prepared for weeks, writing, practicing, and doing all I could to be ready for the day. When the day came and it was almost time to get out there, I panicked and cried. I was so nervous. But, a few women gathered around me and reminded me that God chose as they prayed.
The event was beautiful! So many women came forward to share what God had done. There were so many powerful testimonies of his healing power, love, and salvations. As the women came up with their testimony written on a large poster board, the crowd cheered and cried. Only God could’ve done what happened that night. It was full of hope, tears, pain, joy, worship and Lord’s spirit upon all who were in attendance. I spoke and shared what God had done in my life. It was powerful to witness what God had done and seeing all the pieces fit together. Looking back, he made it easy for me as far as the planning. He laid out the entire event from beginning to end and it touched so many lives, including my own. How beautiful is our God!
Little did I know this was just the beginning of what was to come. We had this event annually for a several years. Then God opened many more doors for me to speak and share my testimony. It was never a desire of mine to speak. In fact, I would get so nervous prior to speaking. Sometimes I even asked for people’s opinions and listened as others critiqued. As time went on and I heard what people would say, “You’re timing isn’t quite right, “You speak to fast”, “You speak too high”, “You don’t quite look the part”, “You’re a little too old”, “You’re a woman, “You’re too this or too that”. It really wore on me and made me feel like I wasn’t a good speaker. I was discouraged and wondered when I would get good enough.
But, the problem wasn’t me being good enough or speaking well, it was me listening to what others said instead of what God said. You see, when God showed me my calling and where I would be someday, and what I would be doing, I was so excited and passionate about it, I shared it with others. I’m pretty sure you know where this is going, it didn’t go well. I was critiqued, judged, laughed at, and all that made me want to walk the other way. I beat myself up and didn’t realize how much I was listening to others and how far it got into my head. For a time I allowed it to push me away from it. It’s also important to say that now, I could see how the enemy works so hard to kill, steal or destroy the plan God has for us. He can’t change the plan but he can use things and people to try and make us believe that we are not good enough. We have to be aware and really be in tune with God’s voice and let what He says lead us.
It’s been years now since God first told me what he would do with my life! It always felt too big for me but not for him. He’s God, he can do anything with anyone he chooses! He’s allowed me to do a lot for him. Writing, speaking, retreats, conferences, bible studies, mentoring, discipling, and the list goes on and on. I know there is so much more to come. I wrote down his promises years ago and have them posted in my office now. You see, he just abruptly brought me home after working for many years in managerial roles. He showed me it’s to continue to do what He called me to do. Before I was brought home, I had cried out from the depths of my heart and asked God to please help me fulfill what he has called me to do. Then…. a month later, it ended! I had a great job which I loved but it was clearly the time!
So you’re probably what happened next. Well, I had a mild heart attack! Yes, crazy I know! I also have struggled staying home as I’m used to working a lot of hours, working really hard, being needed, leading a big team, having all kinds of goals to meet and exceed and all that managerial stuff. Now, here I sit. I’m writing, building a blog and just letting God lead. But just because he brought me home and I listened, doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy and it hasn’t. But, I don’t think it ever is. We don’t learn and grow from easy. We grow through the hard. Well, it’s certainly been hard! But, I know God is here and I’m right where he wants me to be.
Speaking, writing, and going everywhere He showed me I would go, that will come. I’m certain of it! I don’t always feel that confidence in the circumstances but I’m confident in knowing what God said, and that He will fulfill his promises. He doesn’t lay it all out pretty with each step clearly ahead. No, we often have to fight through it, grow through it, pray through it, and let Him show us one baby step at a time. My baby step is my blog. It’s been technically very challenging to learn how to build a blog, but I did it because he said. It was hard, challenging, and frustrating but I’ve learned a lot. Not only did I learn a lot about techie stuff but also about myself and God. I’m resilient, I can do anything I put my heart and mind into, I can overcome any obstacle (heart attack), and through him, nothing is impossible!
I’m also making sure this time around, that His voice is the loudest. I’m not letting any voice drown out the promises of God for my life. I’m also finally me – the Eva he made me to be! For too long I worried what others would think or what they said. But in the past few years I really have learned to be myself. The way I dressed even matched my personality. I started wearing the most girly clothes at work. Tulle is ruffles are my favorite and pink of course. I had fun and wore what I loved! Even with that I would be talked about and made fun of but it didn’t bother me. Through all that I learned to be confident in me and who God made me to be. I had fun being as girly and frilly as possible and it was so me. I’m fun, girly, passionate, full of life, goofy, a little crazy and I’m me! It sure took me a long time to get there but I’m glad I’m here now.
Friend, life takes a toll on us, and let’s face it, it’s hard! But through it all God is moulding you, shaping you, and helping you become the best version of you! He takes off those rough edges and softens the heart which could tend to get a little hard over time. He’s always working on you through life, circumstances, and through people. Our job is to be moldable under His care. There are always going to be people who criticize you, talk about you, and those who don’t like you. But girl, YOU go be YOU – always and at all times! People in your life will come and go. But, you will always be with you, and God will always be right there too. Don’t be ashamed or embarresed of who you are. You are beautiful, unique, one of a kind, and you are God’s daughter!
As Psalms 139 says, God knit you together in your mother’s womb. He handcrafted you and made you unique and beautiful and not like anyone else! In fact, you are God’s masterpiece! You are his work of art! He placed your personality, gifts and talents in you. He laid your whole life out before a single day had passed. He knows everything about you and loves you just as you are. If you were perfect, He wouldn’t love you any more than He does with all of your flaws. His thoughts about you outnumber the grains of sand (Psalms 139). Have you ever tried to pick up a handful of sand and even count a few grains? It’s impossible! God’s thoughts about you outnumber the grains of sand on earth! Did you hear that? That means that God NEVER stops thinking about you!! You are so dearly loved by God – the one who made you His MASTERPIECE! So Darling, go be your own beautiful self! Forever and always!